One of my roommates began secretly sleeping with the ex-boyfriend of a good friend. The breakup was five months ago, but my roommate started talking to him right away. I accidentally let it slip to someone, and then, out of guilt, told all my roommates about the affair. The ex-girlfriend was hurt, and my roommate who is having the affair is furious with me. She was one of my best friends, and now she won’t talk to me. She is still sleeping with him. She’s showing her true colors, I guess. Our other roommates have told me privately that I did the right thing, but they haven’t supported me. They are still close to this roommate. They include her in everything and have distanced themselves from me. I don’t regret my honesty, but I feel like an outcast. Advice?
FRIEND
I think the way I can be most helpful here is by offering a different perspective on your behavior that hasn’t dawned on you yet. I find it hard to believe that you accidentally let this story slip: You made a decision to tell several people about a private sexual relationship that is none of your business. I don’t see this as “honesty.” And I wonder, instead, about the necessity of your telling this story. By your own account, the old relationship was over before the new one began.
Now you are learning a hard truth: Stirring the pot and shaming people do not endear us to others. Your roommates may be thinking, If she gossiped about one of her closest friends, what will she do to me? And the “true colors” that have been shown here, I’m afraid, are yours. But it’s not too late to change them!
I suggest you consider why you reported your friend’s private business to others. Were you drawn to the excitement of gossip or the desire to judge her? Even if you decided her behavior was terribly wrong, you should have spoken to your friend directly. Apologize to her now. We are all entitled to privacy, and we all make mistakes — even you. You didn’t behave like a friend here. Try to make that lapse right if you can.
Sorry, but That Date Is Beyond Saving
Every summer, my husband and I take a weeklong trip with another couple. It’s our only time away. Recently, my sister-in-law learned that she was pregnant, and her husband called to ask about our availability on five possible dates for a coed baby shower. My husband told him we were free on four of them. The fifth conflicted with our vacation. We have now received an invitation from his mother for a shower on the date we said we were unavailable. My mother-in-law thinks we should cut short our vacation and has asked other family members to intervene. My husband says we should brush them off: They knew our plans when they set the date. Advice?
WIFE
I agree with your husband. To be safe, though, one of you should clarify with your mother-in-law that you told the father-to-be that you were unavailable on the chosen date before they chose it — she may not know. You should also convey to your sister-in-law that you are sorry you will miss the party. After that, ignore further pressure tactics.
How, and Whether, to Share a Painful Discovery
My aunt died recently, and I am the executor of her estate. Among her papers, I found a 40-year-old suicide note that her sister’s grandchild wrote when he took his life at 16. (I don’t know why she had it.) The letter is powerful. His siblings were 12 and 17 at the time, and I have no idea if they know about the letter. I am not close to them, and their parents are dead. What should I do? It seems cruel to bring up all the grief that tore their family apart, but they may want the letter.
EXECUTOR
I generally favor directness. Here, though, I do worry about what the siblings were told about the cause of their brother’s death at the time — and what they know now. (I know survivors who were lied to as children when family members died by suicide.) Still, it seems unlikely that the truth would not have come out after 40 years. And if you know the story, they probably do, too. As the son of a parent who died by suicide, I would very much want to see that letter — though I also acknowledge that it will cause pain.
I suggest you write a brief letter to the siblings, telling them that you found their brother’s suicide note among your aunt’s papers and asking if they would like you to forward it to them. Here, a letter gives them time to consider their options before they respond.
A Different Prescription for Birthday Well-Wishing
I had a virtual visit with my primary care doctor of 15 years. During our conversation — much of which was about aging in our 40s — she mentioned that her birthday is this week. I would like to send her flowers, but I am hesitating because I think it may be weird. I’m not talking about a dozen red roses, but I’d hate to overstep. Thoughts?
JEFF
Weird — or at least ambiguous. Would you send flowers to a male doctor? Still, I applaud your thoughtfulness and suggest you redirect it: A friendly birthday card or note seems just right to me.
For help with your awkward situation, send a question to SocialQ@nytimes.com, Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on X.
