For over a decade, my partner and I lived overseas. We have now moved back home to be closer to family. We chose a small city that’s near several relatives. My partner has found work, but there are fewer options here for me. I have an exciting prospect in a larger city that’s two and a half hours away. There is an expectation that I will go into the office once a week. My brother, his wife and their two young children live there. They have a large house. A while ago, we talked about my staying with them once a month if I got the job. They were enthusiastic about it, and I was excited to spend time with them. More recently, though, they said they don’t want me or anyone else as a regular houseguest. I don’t think anything has changed in our relationship. I feel hurt and rejected. What should I do?
SISTER
When we really want something — like a job or a place to stay — it can be easy to lose perspective. But just because you need a bed does not oblige your brother and sister-in-law to put you up once a month. (It also raises the question of where you plan to stay during the other three weekly visits each month.)
I understand your disappointment, which is probably heightened here by your brother and sister-in-law’s change of heart. But they were entitled to think it over and discuss your request privately. Raising two young children and running a house — along with working at their jobs — sounds like a full plate to me. Adding a regular houseguest to their responsibilities may be too much for them now.
Still, I understand that you feel bad. But don’t waste too much energy on recriminations. You have a housing problem to solve: Turn your focus there. You might ask your prospective employer if anyone in the office has a room to rent once a week. But even commuting for a few hours, one day a week, seems worthwhile for an exciting new job, right?
Finding the Love in a Gift Card
Since I was a kid, my aunt has sent me $100 gift cards for birthdays and Christmas. It was a lot of money to me when I was younger, and it was exciting to have extra cash for books and music. She was wealthier than we were, and I appreciated her generosity. But now, my spouse and I are extremely well off. I don’t need the money. Gifts make me uncomfortable, and cash gifts (like gift cards) feel especially weird. On top of that, I haven’t seen my aunt in 20 years. There’s never a thoughtful card or call to make me think she wants to deepen our relationship. Is it possible to decline her gifts?
NIECE
Let’s reframe this story: When you were younger (and poorer), your aunt gave you generous gifts that you really appreciated. Presumably she felt good about giving them to you, and together you created a cycle of good will that lasted for years. Now you are wealthy, and the gifts mean little to you. But that’s no reason to break the cycle.
If your aunt doesn’t know how to couple her gifts with emotional warmth, help her out. Call her to thank her and ask about her life. Or write the notes that will deepen your relationship yourself. Either side can do it! Think of it as reciprocating her kindness from when you were young.
Home for the Holidays? Not if I Can Help It.
I am dying to travel during my limited time off from work, which usually falls over the holidays, but my family likes to do the same thing every year: Each sibling takes a turn hosting the entire family. Not only is it boring, but it’s exhausting! All of us have the means to travel and the time off from work. Thoughts?
SIBLING
You seem to be turning this issue — unnecessarily — into an all-or-nothing proposition: You don’t have to persuade any of your siblings to abandon their holiday traditions to take a trip of your own. You don’t have to make any permanent decisions, either. Book a trip next year and see how it goes. If you like it, book another. You can even invite siblings who share your holiday wanderlust to join you.
Moving Is Hard. Updating an Address Isn’t.
Three years ago, my husband and I bought our home from a couple with whom we have mutual friends. We still regularly receive mail that’s addressed to them: bank statements, Christmas cards, junk mail. We’ve had gifts arrive for them, even a flower delivery. I text them to coordinate pickup. But they’ve never apologized for the inconvenience or said that they’re trying to fix the problem. I’m annoyed. How hard it is to send change of address cards? What should I do?
HOMEOWNER
Three years is a long time to coordinate mail delivery to former residents. So, I’m confused — is it fear of bad reports to your mutual friends that stops you from saying: “This is silly! Please give the bank your new address and send change of address cards to the people who are using ours”? Use your words! I think that’s reasonable here — and probably preferable to stamping their mail “return to sender.”
For help with your awkward situation, send a question to SocialQ@nytimes.com, Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on X.
