My wife is the second of four children who were raised in a frugal, middle-class household. To supplement her wardrobe, she babysat as a girl to earn money to buy clothes. She also sewed many of her outfits. Out of the blue — 50 years later — her younger sister confessed that she and their mother had often conspired to take my wife’s clothing, without her permission, for the younger girl to wear. This disclosure unearthed memories in my wife of finding her things out of place. The statement came without an apology and created great heartache. The question, “Why tell me now?” begs to be asked, but since the disclosure seems intended to cause hurt, it’s hard to envision the conversation. Your thoughts?
HUSBAND
I don’t know your wife, her sister or their mother, and it’s certainly possible that this story is as nefarious as you paint it. But I can also envision a more benign interpretation. My brothers and I often reminisce about our childhood misdeeds (and frequent attempts to pin them on each other). These are bonding stories and nostalgic, recalling a lost time when we were more present in one another’s daily lives. For us, apologies are neither offered nor necessary.
Your wife clearly feels differently, and I absolutely respect her feelings. If she sees betrayal in her mother and sister’s working in tandem to trick her, or if the story triggers old feelings of sibling rivalry, then I recommend further conversation. But unless there are bigger issues at play, it strikes me as unusual for an adult to feel “heartache” on learning that her mother gave her sister permission to wear her sweaters 50 years ago.
Your wife could ask her sister: “What prompted you to tell me this story now? It upset me.” A helpful conversation may ensue. Or if your wife is convinced that her sister’s motives were unkind, she could speak to someone else: A good friend or therapist might help her to unpack her feelings about this episode and these primal figures in her life.
Can I Crash at Your Place? I’m Cashing In on Mine.
My sister decided to rent her home on Airbnb for the summer. She will make several thousand dollars a week. She has a few vacations planned, but she also wants to stay in town for three weeks while her house is rented out. She plans to stay with friends and family, including me, during that time. Is she obliged to share any of her profits with her hosts during her stays? She has told me clearly that, as my sister, she feels no obligation to pay me.
SISTER
Look, it’s Sibling Week! As a former full-time resident of a popular summer destination, I am well acquainted with your sister’s plan, though, in my experience, seasonal landlords usually find less expensive digs for themselves while they rent. They don’t couch surf or mooch off family and friends.
Now, you may decide, in an act of sisterly generosity, to invite your sister to be a houseguest for part of the rental period. But there are no rules here. You may also emulate her enterprising spirit by asking to share in her windfall: Maybe she can buy groceries during her stay — or even fork over a small piece of her profits.
Gifts (and Resentment) Optional
My family was invited to attend the high school graduation of an acquaintance’s child. We shared a nanny when our children were young, but we’ve rarely socialized with them since then. At first, I felt honored to be invited, knowing how limited seating can be. But then I wondered: Is this a play for a gift, or a real overture for a closer friendship? I am inclined to refuse the invitation. Should I R.S.V.P. or just ignore it?
A.
Gosh, you went from feeling “honored,” to possibly used, in no time flat! I think your response to this invitation — which is in line with the way many of my letter writers approach invitations — is misguided: You focus on your friends’ motives (which you can never know with certainty) instead of the invitation itself. This strikes me as ungenerous. If you want to share in the family’s happy day, go! If not, send a polite refusal. But why shroud an invitation in grievance over an optional gift? Aren’t we all grouchy enough already?
Ahem!
I sit 10 feet away from a co-worker in an open-plan workplace. He clears his throat loudly, every few minutes, all day long. I don’t know what to do. He’s a nice person, so I don’t want to upset him. I tried noise-canceling headphones, but I could still hear him. I am losing my mind! Please help.
CO-WORKER
I have no doubt that your colleague’s persistent throat clearing is distracting and annoying. I am also fairly sure that he is not doing it to annoy you. It’s probably a symptom of reflux, postnasal drainage or a tic.
Depending on your relationship, it may be fine to raise the subject gently with your co-worker. (He should probably see a doctor about it.) But if you’re not especially close, it is probably wiser to speak with your supervisor. Part of his or her job is to manage employee issues with tact.
For help with your awkward situation, send a question to SocialQ@nytimes.com, Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on X.
