My wife and I are longtime friends with another couple whose political views differ from mine. I have disagreed with the wife occasionally on some issues, and she with me — but always respectfully. Before the presidential election, I told her that I didn’t plan to vote because I could not support either candidate. She had a negative reaction to this and told me that, going forward, we should avoid political discussions if we want to remain friends. I found her statement self-righteous — as if she can be friends only with people who agree with her, and I should be careful not to express a different political opinion. Is that an acceptable ground rule for friendship?
FRIEND
Every day now — and often, every hour — I am confronted by some reminder of what a divisive time this is in American life. (It’s depressing — and exhausting.) And worse, I have begun to lose faith that we will talk our way out of this mess. Most people I know seem to be done with being persuaded. Surely you must have noticed something along these lines.
So, I am largely sympathetic with your friend. Rather than engaging in prolonged and pointless arguments, or jeopardizing a longtime friendship, she has suggested a boundary to reduce her aggravation during her leisure time. It doesn’t sound as if she is foisting her opinions on you. In fact, it seems pretty evenhanded to me — not self-righteous at all.
Now, if her proposal bothers you, you can make a pitch for continued political debate. But frankly, if you weren’t motivated to vote by the starkly different views espoused by the candidates last year, knowing one of them was bound to win, it seems disingenuous to claim that you can’t make it through a dinner party without sounding off on politics. Find another topic! Your friend is trying to preserve her tranquillity and your friendship. I respect her for that.
Feeling Left Out of the Picture
My husband and I have been married for 15 years. We have a teenage daughter. Sadly, both of his parents died long before we met. His sister hangs a large family photograph from 30 years ago above her mantel: It includes my husband’s ex-wife and another sibling’s ex, and it doesn’t include me or our daughter. When I mentioned the enormous photo to my husband, he said that their parents are in it, which is why his sister hangs it there. But why can’t she find a different photo? Is it fair that I’m upset?
WIFE
My father died when I was young, and my mother died when I was older, and the losses affect me deeply to this day. (Perhaps your parents are still alive?) I am struggling to understand your perspective: You seem to argue that your distress at occasionally having to see a photograph that includes your husband’s ex-wife, or maybe one that excludes you and your daughter, outweighs your sister-in-law’s right to hang a photo that features her parents — perhaps the best one she has — in her own home. I would drop this issue; it makes you seem tone deaf.
The Gift Is Thoughtful, but So Was the Pairing
I am a huge wine geek! I always have lots on hand, and I love hosting dinner parties where I can cook for friends and share my wine with them. The issue: Some people offer to bring wine, though I have already chosen the special bottles that I want to serve. It feels rude to refuse their offer, and it also feels rude not to serve the wine they bring. Advice?
TIM
Great question — and one that I receive frequently: Do good manners oblige you to serve the wine that guests bring? I say no. Their wine is merely a host gift: a token of thanks for your hospitality. It would be rude to reject their offers in advance and unnecessary to redirect them. It’s not a potluck. Let them bring what they like.
My suggestion: Thank them for the wine, add it to your collection and proceed with your evening as planned. When you are serving the wine that you intended to serve, say: “I’m excited for you to try this one, but I can open the bottle you brought if you prefer?” In my entire life, no one has ever taken me up on this offer.
A Case of (Potentially) Mistaken Identity
My child received an invitation to a classmate’s birthday party. I mentioned it to a friend who also has a child in class, but she knew nothing about it. When I checked the e-vite list, everyone in class was invited except for my friend’s son. And a boy from another class, with the same uncommon first name as him, was also invited. I suspect this was a mistake. May I ask the host if I can bring my friend’s child?
MOM
Normally, I stay away from other people’s guest lists. None of my business! But I agree that this was probably an error — and if you can help spare a boy’s feelings, why not? Call the host and say: “I spoke with Bartleby’s mother from class, and she hadn’t received an invitation to your party. I’m sorry if I spoke out of turn!” This gives the host an opportunity to fix things — and lets you stay out of them.
For help with your awkward situation, send a question to SocialQ@nytimes.com, Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on X.
