I am 20 years old and came out to my mother recently. I told her now only because I have started seeing a woman, and I felt that I needed to share this fact. Previously, I was too nervous to tell her. Her response has been nothing short of anger: She claims that I have lied to her, and she is deeply upset that I kept this information from her for years. She has said some incredibly hurtful things to me, and I am afraid it may damage our relationship beyond repair. My brothers agree that her response has been extreme. Lately, she has taken to ignoring me! I don’t know how much more of this I can stand. What should I do: Keep talking it out with her or leave it be?
DAUGHTER
I am sorry that your mother can’t be the parent you need her to be — or deserve. When you made yourself vulnerable to her, she ignored your experience and made the situation all about herself. (I wish I could say that this is the first time I have heard a version of this story, but sadly, it is not uncommon.) For the record: You did absolutely nothing wrong! You came out when you were ready.
My advice may seem mercenary, but right now, I am more concerned about your welfare than I am about your relationship with your mother. (And ignoring you is a serious warning sign.) So, a question: Do you depend on your mother for housing, tuition or other material needs? If you do, make peace with her (and swallow her absurd argument about your dishonesty) until you are financially independent. I have seen too many young people abandoned by their families.
Now, it’s possible — even likely — that your mother will come around in time. And I don’t believe that you can predict now what your relationship with her will become. But I do know that you have been brave and honest, and I don’t want you to suffer further because of your mother’s inability to rise to the occasion. If there is an L.G.B.T.Q. center near you, get in touch for support. If not, come back to me, and I will try to help you find the resources you need.
The Carrot, the Stick and the Beach House
How do I graciously tell my stepson and his wife that I don’t want them to visit me at my beach condo? My husband (my stepson’s father) died three years ago. During his long illness, my stepson and his wife were not helpful or attentive. And I believe that their only reason for wanting to see me is to stay at the beach. I do not want to spend time with them. Advice?
STEPMOTHER
I may be mistaken, but I don’t think your question is about the beach condo. It sounds as if you are still hurt and angry about your stepson’s behavior during your husband’s illness. That’s fair! But wouldn’t it be better to talk with him and his wife directly about your feelings than to keep quiet and use the beach condo to punish them?
Now, you haven’t shared much about your relationship with your stepson. So, it’s your call: You are certainly entitled to bar them from the condo and create further distance between you. (“Sorry, a visit isn’t convenient for me.”) But you may feel better if you tell them what’s really upsetting you and create an opportunity for discussion and resolution. (“I felt abandoned by you during your father’s illness.”) Does that seem possible?
It’s a Commuter Thing: You Wouldn’t Understand
I live in Portland, Maine, but I work in Boston. When I tell people about my job, they say, “What a terrible commute!” But I don’t mind the two-hour bus ride: I get lots of work done on the bus, and I enjoy biking from the bus to my office — and back. Still, these comments annoy me. How can I make them stop?
COMMUTER
The only reason people know you have a long commute is because you tell them. So, if that line of conversation annoys you, stop telling them! (If you work at Boston Children’s Hospital, for instance, say that you work in health care and keep the location vague.) Still, as small talk goes, your fresh take on commuting seems relatively interesting to me. But it’s your call if you don’t want to pursue it.
Thanks for the Invite! What’s My Budget?
Friends invite me to restaurants occasionally as their treat. It may be my birthday, or I’ve done them a favor. I’m grateful. But sometimes the invitation is coupled with an offer to choose the restaurant. I want to be honest about my preferences, but since I know in advance that I am not paying the bill, I want to be moderate, too. (I love expensive restaurants, but they can wait until I am paying my share.) So, what’s a good answer to “Pick your own gift”?
DINER
I wish I could tell you that you are being oversensitive. But the volume of mail I receive from readers who feel aggrieved by meeting at expensive restaurants or any inequity in ordering validates your concern. (“He had two drinks!”) Respond diplomatically with your preference in cuisine, instead: “I love bistro fare” or “I have a hankering for pasta.” And leave the decision to your hosts.
For help with your awkward situation, send a question to SocialQ@nytimes.com, Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on X.
