“During yesterday’s congressional hearing, it was revealed that Donald Trump Jr.’s fiancée, Kimberly Guilfoyle, was paid $60,000 to speak at the rally before the Capitol attack. Well, technically, $20,000 to speak and then $40,000 to please stop.” — SETH MEYERS
“This does prove that Donald Trump is a proud feminist ally. Yeah, that’s right, I said it. Everyone’s always complaining women get paid less for more work, but Trump, no, he is doing everything to close the wage gap. He paid Kimberly Guilfoyle for two minutes’ work. He paid Stormy Daniels for two minutes’ of work. Yeah, Trump isn’t breaking the law, he is breaking the glass ceiling.” — TREVOR NOAH
“So he duped $250 million from his most passionate supporters and then watched as they all go to prison while he sat in Mar-a-Lago double-fisting coconut shrimp. And these aren’t wealthy people. You can always tell when they’re wearing nothing but giveaway merch from the losing team.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“As much as people want to be angry at Donald Trump, I feel like this is one of the instances where he is the black light on America’s democracy. Because he didn’t invent this scam — politicians from every party use their campaign funds to enrich their friends, it’s just Trump does it so egregiously that everyone notices it. All politicians are, like, ‘Donate, it’s for the fund, but nobody looks where the money goes. Yeah, it’s just something you pay attention to because of how he does it. It’s the same way all of us have eaten a grape or two at the grocery store, but Trump’s the guy who walks into Whole Foods with a fork and knife, you know? He’s like [imitating Trump] ‘You guys have the best raw chicken. So good. So good.’” — TREVOR NOAH
